Can Purell be used as lube?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
