He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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