I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
