Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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