Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
