a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
