I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
