GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize