i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
