Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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