Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
