I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
