I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
