Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
