Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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