i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
