You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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