Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
