he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
