I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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