Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
