you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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