I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
