There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
