I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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