Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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