It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize