We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
