Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
