I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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