I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
