im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
