I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize