This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
