If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
