she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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