just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
