I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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