May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
