guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
