He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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