I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
