Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize