I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
