i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
