just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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