i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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