1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
