my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
