I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
