i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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