At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
