Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
