a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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