There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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