Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
