"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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