I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
