I showed him my bush... on skype.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
