she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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