What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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