The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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