Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
