At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
