You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
