come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
only if we run a train.
done.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
